Struggling to behave

I think the stupid bookshelf is haunting me.  I just keep envisioning how cozy I can make that office.  I don’t like how it looks right now.  A portion of that is because there is stuff strewn everywhere.  There is much I would like to do.  I contemplate the bookshelf.  Just $45 at Walmart….that’s not much is it?  Then I think about the fact that I still owe on my cell phone bill.  Yes I know the company is supposed to pay for that.  This month the company can’t.  There is money due on the company phone/dsl(which I use), the rental property utilities.  The company can’t afford that either.  There is the loan payment on the rental property.  The company can’t afford that either.  I need to buy a ticket for Thanksgiving to see my family.  I can’t afford that.  There is nothing in my emergency fund and I need newer tires.  My credit cards and line of credit are to the limit.  I can’t justify that bookshelf….even if it is only $45.  But maybe….and the cycle starts again.  I know it is mind over matter.  I know I have the will to defeat it.  I just have to keep doing it…sometimes minute by minute and other times hour by hour.  If I can learn restraint now I can do the things I want later.  Later when I am not worried about when a check will clear and when one will be sent.  Patience.

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